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Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.